Roller-coaster, pendulum, call it what you want, our lives do not move along in a steady, upward trajectory. By the laws of nature, we naturally cannot always be blooming.
There are difficult times that strengthen us, there are quiet times that calm us, there are joyous times that renew us. There is planning and growing and falling and learning. All these times, these stages, these seasons are so so necessary for us to be who we are and want to be.
When I was going through my season of failure, I was so devastated and, it was upsetting me so much. It started when I was already working at home. It wasn’t too long ago, but it seemed like a decade ago. I felt that I fail as a mother and as a wife.
I was always exhausted and upset, unfinished work deliverables, piles of laundry, messy house, dirty dishes, and crying babies are a regular thing. I don’t have much control over my situation. I am a clueless new mom and yayaless. The kids are still small, and most of my time is preoccupied with taking care of them. Juggling my work and home commitments seem impossible and insane.
Each morning I would wake up with fear. Fear on how to get through the day again with too many responsibilities. Most of the days, I would wish my husband won’t go to work, so I’d have extra hands to help with the workloads. But I know this can’t be, for we have our responsibilities at work. Every day I would worry if an urgent task needs to be done, then suddenly my baby would cry. How will I ever finish everything?
Every day I would worry if I’ll ever get to complete my task at work within the expected time. I would worry if the kids would suddenly wake up and cry while I am still finishing other household chores. I would worry whenever it was already dark, and we don’t have dinner yet, and my husband will be home any minute. I would fear the kids might have an accident while I am busy doing something else since there is no one else eyeing for them.
Endless worry made me anxious each passing day. The more I worry, the less I get to finish a task. I was already exhausted when, in fact, I haven’t done anything yet. No day was perfect, I fail every single day. But I try every possible way to make ends meet.
One morning, I woke up without fear
I woke up with a triumphant feeling. I know that I might not finish my work and home responsibilities for a day, but I prayed for the strength and enthusiasm that I needed that day. I pray to keep my family and me healthy and safe every single day. Each morning I would pray the same, and I have decided to trust Him. And things started to change. My perspective began to change.
What I thought was for a lifetime is only just a season. That season was incredibly hard for me. I am a new mom and have so much to learn, and I must master it really quick without guidance and help. But I was grateful for these, not because I love to struggle. But it made me a better person. Yes, I struggled, but it made me stronger.
Whenever I look back over that season, the times have grown, I discovered new gifts I never thought I had and it made me more confident each passing day. That season was never easy, it was the time that I had to stretch and get out of my comfort zone. It was when I am mostly scared and uncomfortable. At that time, I wouldn’t say I liked it, and several times, I cried.
But I can tell you now that I am grateful that God brought me to that season and pushed me out. I know at the time I was upset, complaining, and ungrateful. Some might find it shallow, but it is during this season that I discovered my wings.
Just imagine that you’re a flower. You need a little sunshine and a little rain too. I know it’s hard to understand. But soon enough, you will realize that all these are part of the process while you’re growing. You will become more and expect that you will lose more of it too. You will lose yourself more. You will reject more. You will fail more. And life will tear you apart more.–But You’re growing too while you’re breaking. These are the process that you have to endure.
Whatever season you are in right now, keep on going. It shall pass.